Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
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Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG