I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
why I oughta
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.