likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
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So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
me hooking up with my ex
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”