TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
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[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours