Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
You Might Also Like
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Attacked by a mop.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*