Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
You Might Also Like
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Breaking news:
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”