*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
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I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Tuesday
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.