I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
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Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.