what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
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What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!