[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
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Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial