It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
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6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.