You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
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Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
#parenting
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED