Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
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I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Sheep
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…