WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
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No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car