I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
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Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
My Sentiments Exactly
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.