I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
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Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.