People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
You Might Also Like
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
tinder is all about the long game
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.