Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
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[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
lost dog
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.