saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
There is wisdom there.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Anyone want a chair?
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.