Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
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My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
asked my bf how work was today
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Ion see the issue
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
North and South
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Google assistant rules