Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.