ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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OKAY DAD
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?