Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
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We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
fr
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did