My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
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Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.