Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
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Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
cat vs inanimate object
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
dogs can find happiness so easily
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.