CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
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I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”