A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Every work meeting this week
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.