One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
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Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?