[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
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Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
three things we don’t talk about
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
My work here is don’t.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets