I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Facebook Twitter
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard