teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
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if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Would you wear it?
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.