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[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.