A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
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reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Inside you there are two wolves