we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
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[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do