Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
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Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Brilliant!
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST