Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
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Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing