What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
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A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish