Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
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I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?