This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.