Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
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My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
when nothing goes right… go left
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Wait a minute…
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.