me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
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CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.