For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
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The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
My love language is deader than Latin
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?