Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
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Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem