Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
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The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Goat cheese is for herders.