Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
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The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.