Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
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north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.