At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
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Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.