teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
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I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
This is sending me to another galaxy
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
(2022)
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.