Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
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After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
some things should go without saying
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Salad is the decaf of food.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”