[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
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great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.